It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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