just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
