Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
