Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
