He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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