so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
