i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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