Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
