uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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