i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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