I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
