I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
