yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
