took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I currently don't understand fingers.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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