Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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