You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
she peed on how many people?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
