thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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