you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
