She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
