I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
