I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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