I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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