OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
