just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
