clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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