I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
