I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
