Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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