pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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