I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Randomize