1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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