Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
