His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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