We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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