I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
