If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
