Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
