Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
ugly people sure do ruin things
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
