rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
