I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
