you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
