He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
