I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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