My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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