If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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