I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
