He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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