After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
