She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Sext me about skeletons
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
