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he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
