6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
