I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
