after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
