How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
