I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
