Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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