I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Randomize
