You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
