i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
